This makes me want to cry
Damn son our uterus stretches like 5x the size and then contracts and pushes a 7 pound baby out of a small tube into life if you think that isn’t metal as fuck get out of my face
YOUR ORGANS THOUGH IM SO SORRY LADIES
damn selfish babies taking up all the space
NAW MAN, LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT PREGNANCY AND BABIES, ALRIGHT?
FIRST OF ALL, IT SUCKS DICK. FIRST OFF LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING RUNDOWN ON WHAT YOU SHOULDN’T EAT OR DRINK WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT.
- NO UNCOOKED ANYTHING IN FUCKING GENERAL ACTUALLY. AND ESPECIALLY NOT FISH.
- ANYTHING WITH CAFFEINE IN IT, WHICH INCLUDES COFFEE, SODA, CHOCOLATE (THAT’S RIGHT, NO CHOCOLATE), SEVERAL TYPES OF COOKIES AND CANDIES, AND ENERGY DRINKS.
- VEGETABLES AND MEATS THAT ARE RICH IN NITRATES LIKE HOTDOGS, SAUSAGE, LETTUCE, SPINACH AND CELERY.
SO BASICALLY IF YOU’RE USED TO EATING OR DRINKING ANY OF THOSE THINGS YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO QUIT COLD TURKEY THE SECOND YOU GET PREGNANT.
NOW I’M NOT EVEN DONE. YOU SEE THAT PINK UPSIDE-DOWN TRIANGLE BELOW THE BABY’S HEAD? YEAH? THAT’S YOUR BLADDER. BABIES SQUEEZE DOWN ON THAT LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW AND ONCE YOU HIT THE THIRD TRIMESTER, YOU BASICALLY HAVE AN ELDERLY PERSON’S BLADDER. MY MOTHER TELLS ME SHE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AT LEAST 6 TIMES A DAY JUST SO SHE WOULDN’T WET HERSELF. ALSO WITH A BABY SQUEEZING’ UP AGAINST YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES LIKE THAT SAY HELLO TO CONSTIPATION NATION, EVERYONE.
SO NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE BLADDER AND BOWELS OF AN OLD PERSON, BUT THAT GROWING HUMAN BEING GROWING OUT OF YOUR GULLET ALSO PUTS A HUUUUGE STRAIN ON YOUR BACK. NOT TO MENTION IT’S A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS TO MOVE ANYWHERE, SINCE YOU NEED TO START WALKING LIKE SOMEONE OUT OF A MONTY PYTHON SKIT JUST TO GET AROUND EFFICIENTLY. ALSO THAT ADDED WEIGHT MAKES YOUR FEET ACHE SOMETHING AWFUL. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL GUESS WHAT. YOU CAN’T TAKE ASPRIN. ABSOLUTELY NO ASPRIN. NO IBUPROFEN, NO NAPROXEN NO NOTHING.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU IN PROBABLY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE YOU WILL EVER BE, BUT YOUR MEDICINE CHOICES ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING LIMITED. (AND NO, I MENTIONED NO CHOCOLATE EITHER.)
DO YOU GUYS NOT REALIZE THAT THE FATE OF SOCIETY AND THE HUMAN RACE IN GENERAL IS BASED ON THE FACT THAT WOMEN MOSTLY CHOOSE TO GET PREGNANT? FOR LITTLE TO NO REWARD?! THE UNITED STATES ONLY GIVES 12 UNPAID WEEKS OF MATERNITY LEAVE ON AVERAGE.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT THE FUCKING PROCESS BY WHICH OUR POPULATION CONTINUES TO GROW WOULD BE FUCKING REWARDED AND CELEBRATED, NOT SWEPT UNDER THE FUCKING RUG LIKE A PIECE OF FUCKING DUST.
Greatest rant ever.
You forgot alcohol. Which really should have been the first thing mentioned…
Well, we just assume alcohol is not on the average every-day consumption list and it’s kinda obvious you can’t drink or smoke or participare in a gang bang once you’re pregnant.
can we just agree that hermione doesn’t give two shits about throwing rocks in the water. she knows exactly what she’s doing bless her
HE LITERALLY JUST TAUGHT HER WHAT SHE TAUGHT HIM IN THE FIRST BOOK
SWISH AND FLICK
THIS IS THE CUTEST THING
[SCREAMS OUT LOUD]
OH MY GOD
Carnation: If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?
Jasmine: What color looks best on you?
foxglove: Name three facts about your family?
Allium: What's the best thing you can cook?
Orange Blossom: If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?
Calla Lily: If you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral?
Poinsettia: Favorite holiday dish?
Oxlip: Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?
Primrose: Favorite kind of soup?
Daffodil: What's the most thoughtful present you've ever received?
Rose: Are you currently in love with someone?
Amsonia: Would you ever become a vegan?
Peony: What's your favorite hot beverage?
Tulip: For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?
Myrtle: Do you like going on airplanes?
Hibiscus: Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?
Zinnia: Who was your best friend when you were six years old?
Poppy: What color was your childhood home?
Hydrangea: Starbucks order?
Violet: Do you like where you're from?
Locust: What was your favorite book as a child?
Rhododendron: What's the scariest dream you've ever had?
Queen Anne's Lace: Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?
Magnolia: Favorite kind of candy?
Aster: Would you rather be cold or hot?
Marigold: Do you listen to what's on the radio?
Heliconia: Do you like when it rains?
Azalea: What's a movie you cried while watching?
Dandelion: Do you think you're important?
"I’m tired of the internet. It’s nice to have the sum of all human knowledge at your fingertips, but not as nice as another person’s fingertips."-Benedict Smith (via benedictsmith)
and i don’t care if this doesn’t fit on my blog. this is beautiful.
She has a beautiful heart…
Oh god. Why are there tears in my eyes?
And I don’t even like Beyonce but rebloging this because omfg
Wait…. Did you just say you didn’t like beyonce?